How to drive in the snow

Here is my obligatory “How to drive in the snow” for snow dummies article.

* Drive really fast. The coefficient of friction is at about 1.2 without snow, but with snow it goes all the way up to 3.2 gigaohms! That means that the higher your velocity, the faster you drive, the more traction you’ll have. I know it sounds counter intuitive, but I’m a professional.

* Hit your brakes at the last possible moment. Again, this relates to Freud’s theorem of least significant intransigence. By slowing down early, you’re increasing the likelihood that someone behind you will impact your vehicle at a high speed because they weren’t paying attention. Which will likely cause them to slam on their brakes and cause a 14-car pileup, thus making my bus late.

* 4WD and AWD vehicles make you immune to snowy or icy conditions. As do winter tires. I’ve seen their commercials, and you can’t lie on commercials.

That’s about it.